Crazy Summer Days

Well finally I've found the time to sit and write out my story. I've had people asking me to blog about my summer ever since June and I'm just now getting around to it.
I have known for a long time that I had high cholesterol. That I should really lose some weight and try to get my cholesterol levels down. I started experiencing mild chest pains back last fall. I kept on explaining it away because after all,  I'm only 39 years old. Back in January it got bad enough that I finally decided to go to my doctor and see if I could figure out what was wrong. He told me that my cholesterol was way too high, over 300 with my LDL's at 224 (Just for a frame of reference they should be below 70). He told me to go on medication. I decided I knew more than him and didn't.
Instead I told myself that I would lose some weight and start exercising. I lost about two pounds and started walking more often. It was during those walks that I started worrying. I would pump my arms when I walked and I noticed when I did that, that my chest would start to tighten and hurt.
In May I went with some friends to Florida and we would go on long walks on the beach. I was way to embarrassed to tell them but my chest would hurt so bad on those walks that I couldn't breath. I was afraid it was a sign that I was too fat so I would keep my mouth shut and look for excuses to sit as much as possible.
Then I went on another trip with some more friends. They too wanted to walk a lot (I have healthy friends) and I had to skip out on those walks. They told me at that time that I needed to go to the ER with those pains. I ignored them. I was scared and embarrassed and didn't want to hear what I was afraid they would tell me. So I kept ignoring the pain. I noticed odd things like pain that sent me to the bed just from wiping out the bottom of the oven. Trying to play basketball with the kids and not being able to.
The kicker came when I went to the store with a friend of mine. As we walked in, I noticed that I couldn't keep up with her. That I couldn't talk to her as we walked. Then I started to sweat.
I figured if I was nice and quiet maybe she wouldn't notice. She did.
We got to the meeting we were going to and other friends started asking me what was wrong. I kind of tried to brush it off just asking if they could give me jobs that weren't physically strenuous. They all insisted at that moment that I go to the ER. I panicked and started crying. My sweet friends gathered around me and started praying over me.
I went in to the ER and ended up staying for several days. My high cholesterol had caused severe blockages in my arteries and I would need stents. They put in one and told me that they would schedule more later. After I was sent home I was a very good girl and stayed put on the couch. The next day Jonny had run to work for a bit and I was alone with the four little kids. I started noticing a strong pain in my chest which was really bad since I was just sitting doing nothing. Molly ran across the street to get my neighbor. By the time she got there I was struggling to breathe. They rushed me to the ER again where they decided to go ahead and put in more stents. The doctor came in and sat by my bed and told me that this was very serious. That the vessels were so damaged that he wasn't sure he could get the stents in and that if he couldn't, the damage was to severe to perform open heart surgery. My life flashed before my eyes at that moment. Jonny had held it together perfectly the entire time until now. Both of us were crying. You imagine the things you would say to someone if you weren't sure you were going to live. Not one of those things came to my mind. Not one of those things that I had imagined myself saying came out of my mouth. I could only sit in silence while tears dripped down my cheeks.
They took me back and put five more stents in. Six stents all together. 39 years old and six stents in my heart. I am so glad that they worked. That all the prayers that were lifted up for me were answered. I am sad that they have to be there but so grateful for them at the same time.
I have since discovered that I don't just have high cholesterol that can be fixed with diet and exercise. I have what is called Familial Hypercholesterolemia.  
It is hereditary and requires heavy medication to keep it under control. Unless God chooses to heal me of it, it will never go away. I hate that I have it but at the same time I'm glad to know how to work on it.
The months since the surgery have been a little stressful. Life is very full and very chaotic at times and it is hard to remain calm at all times. The chest pains have continued and they have continued to scare me. I went back in this past week only to discover that my troponin levels had increased which is an indication of irregular heart activity. They did another angiogram and discovered that my heart has no damage and my vessels are still clear and there has been no more blockage.
This is a huge answer to prayer and I am so incredibly relieved and grateful. Still confused at the amount of pain and the increased troponin levels but grateful that it is not anything scary or really serious.
I would love to have your prayer for wisdom as to how to be calm and peaceful and settled and chill in spite of a crazy and hectic life. I don't want to go on anxiety meds because they make me kind of crazy and super tired. I would love to figure out a better way to relax.
I know this has been long but I have probably still left out details that I will think of later. This has been a crazy summer but also a summer where God has loved on me through friends and family and I am grateful for it. Grateful for all of you that checked on me and took my kids and sent me food and flowers and love.
"Two are better than one. If either of them fall down, one can help the other up." Ecclesiastes 4:9a & 5a
Thank you for helping me back up friends. I am blessed.💖

Lightening the Load

Today is beautiful. All of my kids are outside playing with the neighbor kids, and the frogs they captured. I'm sitting here watching the sunlight pour in my windows and thinking. Thinking about when we moved into this adorable, tiny place. I guess calling it tiny is actually kind of ridiculous. It's over 2,000 square feet but coming from 4,000 makes this feel tiny to me. It's all about perspective.
I told you the story of my starting the process of selling everything. Each thing that walked out my front door in someone else's arms made me do a little happy dance (except the piano). "More room in the new house!" we would say. I kept going and kept going. "Oh I don't really need this cute little table." or "I sure don't want to clutter up my new walls with all of these pictures."
So I kept selling. I made enough money to replace my old couch and chairs and paint the new house. I'm not used to buying things new but I really wanted a "never sat on" couch. Jonny was so impressed with me that we didn't have to budget any money for the move. I funded everything with all of my sales. I was SO proud!

Then we started moving everything in. I kept my favorite things downstairs but sent everything else up to the room over the garage. I could hear myself telling all the helpers "Upstairs with that. Upstairs with that. Upstairs with that." over and over again. I started wondering if it would all fit. I found myself scared to death to go and look. So I waited until the next day. It was a disaster!! How on earth could I still have so much stuff after I had made hundreds of dollars selling so much?
Where had it all been hiding and why was it still here for Pete's sakes?!
It got to where Meg's friends were scared to come over because I would call everyone who was at my house to the attic and we would organize. Days of trying to make it all fit. Pulling it all out and putting it all back in. Sorting and reorganizing trying to figure out how to keep it all. Pitiful isn't it??

So I started selling again. Selling more furniture. Selling more decor. Selling more dishes. I decided that no one needs twenty Rubbermaids of Christmas decor so I sold about three-fourths of that. People would come to buy their items and ask if I had more. I would start to tell them no and then change my mind and let them rummage through my attic. Most of the time I could be talked into selling just about anything unless it was from one of my grandmothers.

I still have too much stuff. I still have things that I don't really need but fear that I might one day want. But I'm better. Much, much better. Here is the thing, start looking at your stuff for what it is. You think to yourself "I might one day want that." but yet it's been sitting unused for the past year or more. You say "My kids are getting older and they might want some of this stuff." Here is a voice of experience in that field. My girls spent all of their early years begging for me to keep my stuff for them. They loved the way I decorated and they fussed about everything that was sold. They were sure they would want it one day to decorate their own home. Then they got older. Ally bought her own house and I sent her a ton of pictures asking what all she wanted. She asked for approximately three things. She has her own taste now and it is not the same as mine.
Meg is a minimalist. She doesn't want anything in her room that she didn't paint or doesn't grow. She doesn't care one fig for any of my stuff.

 My advice is pass it on. Sell it or give it to someone who would love it now. Not in five or ten years. If it is too hard for you then give yourself this challenge. Sell five things and use the money to buy one thing you've really wanted. Even if it's just a manicure which really is better because that doesn't make clutter! Then tomorrow sell five more things and take your kids to lunch. Start looking at every single item you own and asking yourself "Do I need this in my life to make me happy?" or "Is there a very important reason that I'm holding onto this besides sentiment?"
If the answer is no then Pass It On! If you need some help in this area then call me because I've always said that when I grow up I'm going to be a home organizer. I love helping people walk through this process. I know from experience how freeing it is. Lighten your load! You will love your new skinny house!

Stuff

As I sit here in my living room and look around me I start trying to remember what led me to simplifying. What was it that triggered something in my brain and made me want to start selling all of my beautiful things? When did I decide that less is more? I had worked hard to collect all of that stuff! What changed me?
I think that it was probably the fact that we have moved far too often in the past few years. We humans are quick to assume that everyone besides us must have it all together.  If that is what you think of me, allow me change your mind. As I mentioned in my first post, Jonny and I have had a difficult marriage. We were both very young and very stupid when we married. We lacked patience for each other and had no idea how to love each other.
Back to the stupid part. Because of different bad decisions on each of our part, we have spent the last few years trying to make up for the first several. After our fire we spent the next eight months building our dream home. It was perfect. It was gorgeous!

 Here are a few very bad pics of it. (It has only been recently that I've learned how to take a decent picture.)
We lived here for a short, few months before we lost it in a bankruptcy. Humiliation followed for both of us. Horrible humiliation and shame. People kept asking what had happened and we got so tired of having to explain how stupid we had been.  But we serve a big God and He turned that mess into a blessing. We loved those months of living in the country and although we still had a huge mess to clean up, we made some wonderful memories there. 

 We moved several more times after that (three to be exact. Six moves in as many years.) trying to figure out where we wanted to settle. Every move was horrible. SO... MUCH...STUFF!!! Trucks and trailers full of it. Each time we moved I started wondering why on earth I needed all of it. The last move was last summer. We sat down and decided it was time we changed some things. Really changed. A smaller more modest house was the biggest decision and with that choice came the need to get rid of stuff.

I started off small. Selling a few things here and there and only selling to friends. I guess my thinking was if I ever wanted anything back, I knew where to find it! 

Then it started becoming a challenge...like, a good challenge. I sold a little more and a little more. Bigger and bigger pieces until almost everything you see in these pictures is gone. I'm not just saying that. As I look at these pics I realize that I still have that coffee table and one of those light fixtures and that trunk and thats about it. I even sold my piano! I cried a little over that one but it was one of those huge beasts of a piano that made everyone run when it came time to try to lift it. 

I sold decorations, furniture, Christmas stuff, clothes, art, rugs, ping pong tables, mirrors, greenery. Since I'm such a bargain shopper, I actually made almost more money than I spent! I started looking over everything I owned asking myself "Do I really love you? Do I really need you?" I was shocked at how many times I didn't. My things became less of a treasure to me and more of an opportunity. Losing everything in a fire makes you realize how unimportant stuff is. 

Do you hear me keep calling it that? STUFF... STUFF...STUFF. It is not important. People are. Stuff is replaceable and easily taken from you. Stuff burns up in a fire and you do not even care because your children are safe. Stuff holds you back and clutters up your life. Stuff can become too important if we let it. It is just stuff. 

Now I've gotten myself going and I'm going to have a hard time hushing! So much to say when my fingers hit these keys. But this story is like my journey. A process. Another day readers, another day and I will tell you more. 

The Beginning

I've been trying to remember when my simplifying journey began. You would assume that it all started when my house burned down six and a half years ago and I lost everything. It didn't.
After that I felt such a sense of loss that I couldn't wait to replace stuff. And that's just what I mean. Not special items... "stuff".  Just have stuff around me again.
I missed all the closets bulging. I missed attics and storage rooms full of rubbermaids. Who the heck knew what needed to be in them but just knowing they were there and taking up space apparently had been a comfort to me.
So I started shopping again. Buying things without thinking. I had insurance money and a clean slate. I could buy whatever the heck I wanted. So by golly, I did.
I went to yard sales and flea markets and shopped online and hit TJ Maxx every couple of days. I came home daily with bags of stuff. I was living in a 5000 square foot home with more storage than any ten families need so I could bring everything home and it never got in my way or felt cluttered.

A few months later we started moving all of that crap into my brand new house. I couldn't believe it! How on earth had I acquired so much in just eight short months? But I kept on shopping.
Every time I found a little money I was off to spend it. I bought many beautiful things. Tons of beautiful things. We lived in that house for five months before we realized that our boys needed more space to run around and so we put a for sale sign outside and moved back into the 5000 square foot mansion that we had just left.

If I had gone crazy before I went absolutely insane then. That mansion had wall space and random rooms everywhere. I was determined to fill it and make it look "homier". The problem at that point was that I was out of money. So I got creative. I hit more yard sales and even found free things from abandoned buildings. It was so much fun!

This was most of my most favorite hauls. Almost everything in this picture was free or close to it. I was becoming a pro! This huge mansion was becoming more and more full of treasures. The walls were filling up daily. The closets, spare rooms, basement, and garage, were starting to look not only like I had never had a fire but also like I had been a collector for about twenty years instead of 18 months. If I couldn't afford it I made it. I collected books, instruments, quilts, doilies, picture frames, vases, pitchers, dishes, flower pots, linens, anything else I could find that was pretty. 

 This became my style of decorating. Beautiful and fun but SO MUCH STUFF!!

By the time we moved out of that house a year and a half later, I was set to furnish several beautiful flea market booths. And that was exactly what I started thinking I might need to do. 

Could I start finding beautiful things and selling them for more than I paid? Possibly! This new line of thinking would actually lead to my eventual downsizing. 

As I start reliving this story, I realize how relieved I am that I started this journey and also how excited I am to share it with you! Thanks for reading today!

The Real Jen

Should I or shouldn't I? Do I have something to say? Do I have enough to say? Do I have enough time to keep up with this? Does anyone care or am I just another voice in the massive abyss that is the internet? So many questions! But I'm going to GO FOR IT!! (cheers for myself)

I warn you that my punctuation and spelling and form will be bad. I write fast to keep up with my crazy brain that absolutely never slows down, not even for a second. My fingers often forgettokeepupwithmybrain...see.

This will eventually become my journey towards simplifying but first let me also start off with describing myself to you so you will think of me as just a normal lady and not some incredible, flawless, perfect housewife that does everything the organic, healthy, organized, natural way. I mean...not that I'm all bad. My kids and my husband tell me I'm pretty incredible. My recent goal has been to see my strengths instead of my weaknesses, I'm doing okay with that...somedays.

I am a thirty-nine year old wife, mom, piano teacher, pickle maker, organizer, homeschooler, and aspiring home designer. I struggle with eating healthy. I HATE to exercise. I have extremely curly hair that I have managed to fry off with the cursed straightener. I love having things clean but am often a very grumpy mama trying to manage keeping a house clean with three small boys running around it. I'm learning to keep my plants green but will admit to you that I had to release some of them to their early graves after putting them up in my freezing attic this winter. Because of that mishap, many of the plants you see in my Insta account are new babies. I struggle with patience. I always worry that someone might not like me (which really is crazy cause I'm really likable!). I have a wonderful husband that works hard to support this crazy family. I married him when I was seventeen and he was nineteen (crazy huh?). We have lived in three different states and eleven different homes in 21 years of marriage. Our marriage has been a difficult journey but God has made it stronger through those difficulties and I am very grateful that He kept us together because I sure do love that sweet man of mine!
I have six children ranging from twenty down to six. Three girls, three boys. They say that boys are easier than girls but I disagree. Also girls smell better. Have you noticed? But boys snuggle better.

Over the next few months I will share with you my story. It covers many years and many challenges but I can't wait to share it with you. I cannot promise to post daily. I only write well when I don't get interrupted and that happens like...never.  But I promise to read your comments and I promise to be honest and I promise to be myself.